Super Duper Ubervamp!
by diadem ultimatum
Summary: *AU* Squinoa/Quisvine/Zelphie! Parody of BtVS!
1. five minutes

Super-Duper-Ubervamp!

Chapter One

…five minutes

A/N: This is a BtVS parody featuring the characters from FF8…heh. BtVS is © to Joss Whedon. Characters © Squaresoft. Yeah, this is a Squinoa/Quisvine/Zellphie. Shoot me. 

Cast:

Rinoa………Buffy

Squall.…….Angel 

Seifer………does not last long

Zell………Xander

Selphie………Anya

Quistis………Willow(straight)

Irvine………The all-wise Giles!

*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!**!*!*!*!*!*!*

The small bar was cold, but not a single occupant noticed. The darkness of the barely-lit room was welcoming to the vampires that inhabited the shop, considering it gave them the cover to feed on any unsuspecting human that entered through the beaten doorway. Believe me, there were a lot of them.

"…morons." The tall vamp in the corner said, putting out his cigarette. Humans were morons, just walking in like meals on wheels. Almost every five minutes, some curious idiot walked through the doorway to become some lucky guy's meal. Squall preferred to stay in the back of the bar-if he was hungry he would just kill the vamp that grabbed his meal-and watch person after person enter and be eaten. Simple as that.

Only one other vamp was not waiting at the doorway for his meal. As soon as Squall put out his cigarette, Seifer sparked up, considering he refused to do anything at the same time as his old rival. Nevertheless, unknown to the other, they both enjoyed watching the stupidity that occurred every night. 

"Hey, Squall!" the bartender called, and the shorter vamp turned his head.

"What?" he asked, careful to keep his tone light. The only human that worked in the club, Big Joe-Bob was one to be reckoned with. If he did not like you, he would pick you up and throw you out without a second thought. 

"There's a slayer in town, did you hear about it?" he asked, and Squall shook his head.

"She's a real bimbo." Seifer called out from his end of the bar, and Squall raised an eyebrow at the taller vamp.

"I'd give her a week." He said, and Seifer shook his head.

"Shorter than that." He said, and Squall shrugged.

"I haven't seen her." She said, and Seifer laughed.

"I have. Dumbness gave me her home address." He said, and the room roared with laughter.

"You know where she lives?" Squall asked, reaching behind him for his Lion Heart.

"Yeah. You wanna go kill her?" he asked, only to see his rival smile. He only did that when he was hungry and wanted to drink some unsuspecting woman. 

  
"Deal." He said, and Seifer smirked, pulling out his Hyperion and a slip of paper in his pocket.

"Let's get out of here." He said, and Squall followed him out the door.

*!* 

"YOU DID WHAT?" the tall man dressed as a cowboy shouted, dropping the book he was reading.

"I gave that really hot guy my number and address…what's wrong with that?" the woman asked, tucking a strand of her black hair behind her ear.

"You say his name was Seifer." Irvine said, and she nodded. "Pick up that book and look up Seifer Almasy. Spelled A-L-M-A-S-Y." 

"Okay, okay." She said, and flipped to the index, then to a page near the middle of the book, which caused her face to redden. "Oopsie."

"Rinoa, you are the vampire slayer. You can't oopsie!" he shouted, and she sighed.

"He didn't seem like a vampire!" she shouted, and crossed her arms. "Meany." 

"I am not a meany, I'm your watcher!" he shouted, and she shrugged.

"Meany." 

"Wait…he didn't show up, did he?" he asked, and Rinoa nodded. "Did you invite him in?" 

"Nope. We just sat on the porch and talked. He really seems like a nice guy." She said, and Irvine rolled his eyes.

"He's had 200 years to perfect his personality!" 

"Sorry!" she said, and started to look through the book some more.

"Have you completed your thirty hours of slayer training?" he asked, and Rinoa shook her head.

"You know I have finals to study for…" she began, but Irvine shook his head.

"Damnit! If you don't train, you won't survive long enough to take the final!" he snapped, and walked out of the room. 

Rinoa tried to pretend like that didn't hurt, and buried her face in the book she was reading. The paragraph in front of her eyes was about another vampire, this one's name was Squall Leonhart. He was about 5'10", and wore lots of black. He also fought with Seifer a lot. 

The paragraph also told her about his history, as a vampire. He was about fifty years younger than Seifer, but was still the only one who could kick his ass. Rinoa sighed, and continued reading about this Squall. He seemed to be a real hard-ass, kind of like her old boyfriend she had to dump to become a slayer. Irvine did not understand how hard it was just to drop everything and have the schedule "train, eat, train, eat, patrol, train". He did not have finals coming up. In addition, if she bombed the finals, another wedge would be driven between herself and her father, although they had not gotten along since her mother died. 

Squall was really catching her interest now, but to finish reading about him she would have to move her head, and Irvine would see her tears, just like everyone else in the library. The library would be closing in a few minutes anyways, so if she was going to move, she had better do it now. That was the last thought before the book was-rather rudely-yanked from her hands and thrown to the ground. She recognized the man who had thrown the book from what she just read, and waggled her fingers at him, then grinned.

"Hiya! You're Squall!" she said, but the vamp was clearly not amused. "You…uhh…want a hot dog or something? Zell likes those…" she began, but Squall yawned loudly, and she crossed her arms.

"You're the new slayer?" he asked, and Rinoa stood up, angrily.

"Well, that saves me some time. You do know who I am…yeah, I'm the new slayer." She said, and he chuckled.

  
"Seifer was right. I'd give you five minutes after you leave the library." He said, and walked out just as the voice came over the intercom that the library was closing. She reached for her abnormally large coat, and wrapped it around her before grabbing a handful of wooden stakes from the bag. _If worse comes to worse I can just start throwing them around like crazy! _ She thought as she stepped outside to see Squall and Seifer standing there, glaring at each other. 

__

"…seize the moment, Rinoa. You are the slayer." Irvine's voice came out of nowhere. She crept up behind Seifer, stake in hand, and shoved it right in his back. There were a few seconds of silence, then Seifer turned into a big pile of dust. Rinoa threw her arms up into the air, and started to sing.

"Seven days a week every minute of the day, whoah-whoa, whoah-whoa…" she started, but then realized Squall was staring at her wide-eyed.

"I underestimated you." He said, and started to walk away. Rinoa knew it was a bad idea to run after him, but curiosity won out in the end.

"Whaddya mean?" she asked, catching up to him.

"You're a good fighter. But a real moron." He said, and Rinoa stepped in front of him and stood up to her full height.

"Am not! Meany!" she yelled, and pushed her index finger into his chest. "I am not a moron!"

"You are too." 

"Am not!" she yelled, and stomped her foot. 

"You are, just for standing like that in my way. I could kill you now if I wanted to." He said and she squinted up at him.

"Try me." She said, then screamed loudly as he locked one arm around her waist, turned her around, and pulled her into him. Then he yanked her hair up, and laughed a little before sinking his fangs into her neck. 

"OWWW!" he cried out, suddenly, and grabbed his lower abdomen, where Rinoa had pinched him.

"That hurt!" she yelled, and he chuckled.

  
"You're doing it again." He said, and Rinoa stepped back from him a little, and pulled the top of her jacket over her neck.

"Ha!" she said, and he rolled his eyes.

"Can't you just get out of my way?" he asked, and she shook her head.

"Nope." She said, and he shrugged, then he locked one arm around her waist, turned her around, and pulled her into him again.

"I'm going to feel bad about this. You were…entertaining." He said, and she felt his hot breath on her neck.

"OWWW! GOD DAMNIT!" he shouted, and turned around to see Irvine standing there. Squall reached up to his shoulder to pull the tranquilizer dart out, then laughed.

"You really think these things wo…" he began, then slumped to the ground, sleeping like a baby.

"Looks like they do to me." Irvine said, and cast float on the unconscious vampire, then beckoned Rinoa to follow him. 

"What the hell were you doing?" he asked, and Rinoa grinned.

"I staked a vamp!" she said, and he sighed.

"An anonymous one?" he asked, and she shook her head.

"Seifer." She said, and Irvine turned around to face her.

"You're serious." He said, and she nodded, then pointed to the floating Squall.

"Ask him. He was there." She said, and Irvine's eyes widened.

"You're the one!" he cheered, and moved to hug her. She stepped back.

"I didn't know you liked me like that…" she said, and Irvine smacked his forehead.

" I don't." he said, and she grinned. Then she hugged him.

"Women." Irvine grumbled.


	2. whatever

Super Duper Ubervamp!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
...whatever.  
  
A/N: Disclaimer's on the front page! Thanks for reading! Now review!! :)  
  
Squall woke up to feel rope around his wrists and ankles. He wasn't quite sure where he was, either, but as he slowly opened his eyes he realized he was in a bathroom. A bathroom with a pink fluffy toilet seat.   
  
"Where am I?" he called, only to see the slayer poke her head in the doorway, grinning.  
  
"You're at my place! And you have to stay here because it's bright outside! Na-na-na-na-na!" she said, and smiled some more until she got a good look at his face.  
  
"Do you have any...pets?" he asked, and she nodded.  
  
"Only Angelo. He's the bestest dog in the world!" she said, and Squall nodded.  
  
"Can I see him?" he asked, and Rinoa shook her finger.  
  
"After I ask Irvine what you want him for!" she said, and Squall raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Why would Irvine know why I want your dog?" he asked, and Rinoa shrugged.  
  
"Irvine knows everything. He's a watcher." she said, and then lifted a hand to the bandage on her neck. "He was the one that saved me last night!"   
  
"I wasn't going to kill you." he groaned, and Rinoa walked over to him, then realized why Squall was in so much pain-he was hungry! He hadn't eaten all night!  
  
"Hang on...maybe Irvine can get you something to eat!" she said, and Squall nodded, watching her butt as she left the room.  
  
"...nice ass." Squall muttered as soon as Rinoa was out of earshot.  
  
*!*   
  
Irvine Kinneas was just sitting on the couch, playing a hand of solitaire when she showed up. He didn't do anything wrong, unless you count playing cards by yourself wrong. He didn't deserve this-he already was watching the one, who was a total moron, for one thing. And Squall Leonhart was tied up in the bathroom, where they were hoping General Caraway would not decide to go in his brief thirty minutes of being at home. He had gotten used to Irvine being around, but a vampire in his bathtub? It'd probably give him a heart attack.   
  
"Irvine Kinneas?" the woman called to him, and he turned around...to see the hottest chick he had ever seen in his nineteen years.   
  
She was about 5'6'', blonde, blue-eyed, with a nice figure to boot. She also didn't appear to be much older than he was, which was another plus. He was the youngest watcher in history (That's what you get for killing my little brother! Death to all vamps!) but she was probably right behind him.  
  
"Yeah, that's me." he said, and the woman sighed.  
  
"Rinoa still has not completed her thirty hours of slayer training. And since she has not, I've been sent by the watcher's council to probate you."  
  
"What's your name?" he asked, and she looked around for something to put her bags on, until Irvine took them and put them on the couch.  
  
"Quistis...Quistis Trepe. Now where IS Miss Heartilly?" she asked, and, as if on cue, Rinoa bound through the doorway, a frown on her face. A frown that only deepened when she saw Quistis.  
  
"He's hungry!" Rinoa cried, and Irvine rolled his eyes.  
  
"Who is?" Quistis asked, and Irvine looked at her.  
  
"Squall Leonhart. The ubervamp." he said, and Quistis's jaw dropped.  
  
"He's here?"   
  
"In the bathtub." Rinoa said, then put a hand on her hip. "Who are you?"  
  
"Quistis Trepe, Irvine's probation officer. Now, let's see the ubervamp." she said, and they all walked into the bathroom, and Rinoa locked the door.  
  
"Why the hell did you lock the door?" Irvine asked, and Quistis pulled out her weapon.  
  
"My dad. Remember?" she said, and Quistis just shook her head and walked over to where Squall laid in the bathtub.  
  
"Hello." he said calmly, and she raised both eyebrows.  
  
"You were serious." she said, and both Irvine and Rinoa nodded. "The floosy is the one. I MEAN... Miss Heartilly is the one.''   
  
"Yeah." Irvine said, and Squall began to chuckle.  
  
"You look like a floosy yourself." he said to Quistis, who hit him hard in the stomach with her weapon. He let out a yell of pain, and she glared at him.  
  
"For an ubervamp, you sure have a low tolerance for pain." she said, and saw Rinoa looking at her like she was crazy.  
  
"..never mind." she said, and Squall sighed.  
  
"Can I please have something to eat?" he asked, and Quistis and Irvine looked at each other.  
  
"Is there a pet running around here?" she asked, but Rinoa stood up to her full height, and , on her tippy-toes, looked Quistis in the eye.  
  
"You. cannot. have. my. dog." she said, and walked out.  
  
"Well, I guess I could probably get some pig's blood." he said, and Quistis crossed her arms.  
  
"And where exactly are you going to do that?" she asked.  
  
"I'm good pals with the butcher." he said, and walked out.  
  
''...whatever." 


End file.
